Responding to Power Struggles at Home

As we progress through the school year, we might find some children challenging the boundaries of parents or testing limits at home.  Comments like “You’re not the boss of me” are a common way that children challenge parental authority.  If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of comments like this as a parent, it’s normal to feel a bit lost.  Or maybe you find yourself reacting in ways that only add fuel to the fire. 

Canadian physician and co-author of Hold On to Your Kids Gabor Maté says comments like “You’re not the boss of me” aren’t just about how to respond as a parent. Dr Maté suggests that a parent must look much deeper at the relationship with the child, and ask why there is such a rift:

“Hierarchy is automatic in nature. No baby bear says to Mother Bear, ‘You’re not the boss of me.’ That doesn’t happen…Now, when a child is repeatedly challenging that hierarchy, it means they’ve become disconnected from the parent. It usually means that they’ve become too connected to their peers. And that means they’re actually looking at their peer group now for their values and their how-to-be and how-to-walk and how-to-talk. And it seems unnatural to them that their parents should be telling them what to do. The problem is not in the statement. [‘You’re not the boss of me.’] The problem is in what it implies, which is, ‘I’ve become disconnected to you, and I no longer accept the natural hierarchy between us.’

“The solution, then, is not to be authoritarian and force the kid. The solution is to actually investigate: ‘What happened to the relationship? How come the kid is disconnected? Why isn’t he looking to us for a sense of direction and values and how he ought to be? What’s happened?’ It usually means that the parents have been too stressed, too distracted, and the child has found other attachments, usually in a peer group. It’s not a simple question of, ‘Here’s what you say.’ It’s more — going back to what Krishnamurti said — ‘understanding the relationship.’ Because without understanding the relationship, ‘any plan of action will only breed conflict’.”[1]

If any of this describes the current dynamic with your child, they may be feeling disconnected from you.  In our frantic, busy and technology-saturated culture, it is increasingly common for children to become disconnected from parents and gravitate towards their peers.  The good news is that the disconnection doesn’t have to be permanent.  By taking intentional steps to schedule in quality time, we can create opportunities for reconnection.  This might look like:

• Creating a routine where you have at least one hour per day of “tech free time” to reconnect as a family. Invite kids to come up with a list of low-effort playful activities that can be done as a family after school.
• Clearing non-essential appointments off your schedule to prioritise quality time with your child. Plan and cook a meal together or do some baking together.
• If you have a younger child, engaging them in story time before bed, and discussing the feelings and experiences of the characters together after the story is over.

 Lastly, when you encounter the dreaded phrase “You’re not the boss of me,” here are some responses that set a warm, but firm boundary:

[1] Full article:  https://www.greatschools.org/gk/parenting/behavior/parenting-tips-you-are-not-the-boss-of-me-gabor-mate/

• “Some things are non-negotiable.”
• “Here’s a decision you get to make.” (This expresses empathy for a child’s desire for power and gives them a choice over something else, while emphasising your limits are not negotiable)
• “You’re right. But…”  (This can help to soothe the child’s emotional brain)
• “Let’s talk about what you think is unfair.”
• “I’m keeping you safe.”

With thanks to:  ideas, quote and resources from greatschools.org.

 Warm regards,

Damian Gerber

Student & Family Counsellor, St Bernard’s Primary School