Friendship and Mental Health
Why is friendship important?
Friendship plays a significant role in our physical, mental, and emotional health. In healthy friendships they offer us a relationship of mutual care, affinity, and comfort.

Different types of friendships

Both children and adults may yearn for someone to call a “best friend,” but there are many kinds of healthy, beneficial friendships. As two people grow closer over time, they move through several phases of building a friendship.
1. Formation
The start of any friendship or relationship typically includes three distinct stages:
• Stranger: All friends start as strangers. At this level, small talk is exchanged as both people try to figure out if they want to learn more about each other.
• Role player: You may consider some people friends because of a certain role they play in your life,even if your feelings for them don’t run especially deep. Coworkers, classmates, and neighbors tend to fall into this category.
• Acquaintance: This is a good example of a “friendly but not friends” relationship. You probably know this person fairly well, and you may even like them—but you’re not really invested beyond keeping track of how they’re doing. Social media friends are often acquaintances.
2. Maintenance
At the heart of most true friendships is the maintenance stage. This involves putting in the work to cultivate and deepen the friendship.
• Close friend: Close friends spend time together in all kinds of settings and play multiple roles. At this stage trust is being tested. One person may share a secret or ask a tough question, hoping their vulnerability will be reciprocated.
• Best friend: Best friendships often feel similar to family relationships or romantic partnerships.
These friends know everything about each other, including all the embarrassing details. They know how to disagree without jeopardizing their relationship. They work hard to affirm each other and keep each other’s trust.
3. Dissolution
Many friendships end. Some may last a lifetime, but they usually cycle through different levels. It’s helpful to remember that the dissolution of a friendship isn’t always a bad thing. While some friendships end poorly, plenty of them fade out on good terms.
Healthy vs. unhealthy friendships
How can you tell if a friendship is healthy? Think about it in terms of mutual care, affinity, and comfort.
• Care: Does your friend truly care about you as a person, or do they only like what you can do for them? Do they ever put your health and safety at risk? Keep in mind that abuse can occur in all types of relationships, including friendships.
• Affinity: This may seem silly, but it’s important to ask: Do you truly like your friend? Sometimes we get so caught up in the excitement of a new relationship that we forget to pay attention to how we really feel about the person.
• Comfort: Can you be yourself around your friend? Do you trust them? In a healthy friendship you shouldn’t have to deny any part of yourself to be accepted.
How does friendship impact mental health?
Friendship plays an important role in mental health. By investing in healthy friendships, you can:
• Reduce stress: Chronic stress can seriously impact your health. One study found that friends can act as a buffer in stressful situations.
• Improve self-esteem: Giving and receiving love and acceptance from others makes it easier to extend the same courtesy to yourself.
• Avoid risky behavior: For those who struggle with any risky behaviors, friendship can be a great source of support.
• Invest in your health: Friends can offer accountability in choosing healthier behaviors, such as eating better, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
Helping your child to navigate new friendships or friendship problems can be as simple as reviewing some of the above pointers with your child during a supportive and non-judgmental conversation.
It is also important at times to give kids enough space to work out social problems on their own terms and on their own timelines, as many social conflicts will naturally resolve as children develop and gain further social/emotional skills. For more persistent serious friendship issues it may be helpful to explore alternatives to the problem friendship, such as a new social group or hobby, or consider a referral to the school counsellor.

Warm regards,
Damian Gerber
Student and Family Counsellor, St Bernard’s School