Being There For Children Means Being There for Yourself

One of my role models, Dr Gabor Maté, says that “Safety is not the absence of threat;
safety is connection.” This poses a problem in our modern culture for parents,
because so many of us are disconnected from our children, through no fault or desire
of our own. Whether it’s that we’re too financially stressed, too stressed from our job
or running a business, too depressed, grieving the loss of a loved one or struggling with
some kind of addiction, or whether too much technology is getting in the way, there
are all kinds of things that can get in the way of being there for a child. Is it any wonder that in our culture so many children struggle to feel seen and heard?

Dr Maté writes, in his book Hold on to Your Kids:

“To be attuned to your child, you must be non-depressed and non-stressed. Parents
facing stress and depression struggle to attune to their children, not due to lack of
love but because they can’t connect. This, unfortunately, makes the child suffer. As
adults, we can relate to the feeling when a partner or friend doesn’t see or understand us. Now, imagine the experience for a child who is entirely dependent. Making mistakes as a parent is inevitable; we all do. The crucial point is how we handle it. Children are resilient, not fragile. If I recognize that I’ve made a mistake, it’s my responsibility to repair it. Instead of telling the child to return only after an apology, we can say, ‘You can come back and talk to me anytime.'”

In other words, to be truly there for our child, we must first be truly there for ourselves. When we model healthy self-care to children,which may be as simple as booking in for a massage, taking the family for a regular walk on the beach, setting aside sometime to be in nature or in your garden after work. We are role modelling something of value to kids. Children primarily learn habits by watching their parents and following their example, so this is something worth bearing in mind. Do we push our depression and stress aside, in the belief that our own mental wellbeing isn’t important?

Children may be watching and picking up these habits towards their own mental health, so consider that. Or do we model to our kids that depression, stress and anxiety are things all human beings struggle with from time to time, but when we do XYZ to get help, we feel better?

I believe that every parent does the best they can within the limits of the resources
available to them. If your child is giving you signs that they’re feeling disconnected
from you, take it as an opportunity to reflect on what resources you’re lacking to be
at your best as a parent. It may be worth revisiting your routines, the workload at your job/s, support circle/s and self-care habits to ensure you have everything you need to be present for, and inviting of, connection. You will then be in a place where you can confidently tell your child, “You can come back to me and talk to me anytime.”

Warm regards,
Damian Gerber (MSW)
Student & Family Counsellor, St Bernard’s Primary School