School Counsellor
You may have heard about boundaries, but what do boundaries actually mean? Here is an explainer.
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable with opening themselves up to close relationships.
A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically or otherwise) can be said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too involved with others can be said to have porous boundaries.
Common traits of rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries:
|
Rigid boundaries |
Porous boundaries |
Healthy boundaries |
|
Avoids intimacy and close relationships |
Overshares personal information |
Values own opinions |
|
Unlikely to ask for help |
Difficulty saying “no” to the requests of others |
Doesn’t compromise values for others |
|
Has few close relationships |
Overinvolved in others’ problems |
Shares personal information in an appropriate way (does not over or under share) |
|
Very protective of personal information |
Dependent on the opinions of others |
Knows personal wants and needs, and can communicate them |
|
May seem detached, even with romantic partners |
Accepting of abuse or disrespect |
Accepting when others say “no” to them |
|
Keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection |
Fears rejection if they do not comply with others |
Accepts the possibility of rejection and focuses on what they can control |
Most people have a mixture of different boundary types. For example, someone could have healthy boundaries at work or school, porous boundaries in romantic relationships, and a mix of all three types with their family.
The appropriateness of boundaries depends heavily on setting. What is appropriate to say when you are out with friends might not be appropriate when you are at work or school.
Some cultures have very different expectations when it comes to boundaries. For example, in some cultures it is considered inappropriate to express emotions publicly, while in other cultures emotional expression is encouraged.
Warmly,
Damian Gerber
Student & Family Counsellor,
St Bernard’s Primary School